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True Lies
"True Lies" is the 132nd episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the first episode of Season 7. The episode reveals who was behind the ominous giant tentacles in the season finale of Season 6 and introduces Mai Dik as the main protagonist for the seventh season of the series. This episode is a "very special kind of walkthrough" for the Falskaar (mod) Questline. Plot The episode opens with a short refresher of the season six finale; Brad the Bard is singing away about the events that took place in Skooma Parley, while Fün Tits and Crotch Guzzler both observe the corpses of S'oggy Balls and Cock Nibbler twitch a little. All of a sudden, giant tentacles surround the main hall of Cock Tower where Skooma Parley took place. The screen size then transitions into widescreen giving it a cinematic feel with the letterbox effect. The Game Society logo appears and then familiar music plays (to those who watched the Official E3 Announcement Teaser for the Elder Scrolls VI). Flying over the landscape, the letters "Skyrim For Pimps Season VII" appear on screen, similar in fashion to the E3 announcement where Bethesda introduced their new title "The Elder Scrolls VI."https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkFdqqyI8y4 The screen then cuts to black and a faint sound of sizzling can be heard, gradually growing louder. Image of fire appears on screen with a bang followed by the lingering green mists and the familiar architecture of books stacked on top of each other. Fün panicking and looking around questioning where she is, finds Crotch Guzzler arms crossed staring blankly. Fün, in despair, realizes she's in Library Land. Crotch, appearing to be unaware of where he was until now, shrieks at the new knowledge that he's in Library Land. Then, a slow voice welcomes the newcomers to his land; it's Hermaeus Mora (Herman Melville as he is also known in Skyrim For Pimps). The one-eyed glob starts shocking Fün and Crotch with bolts of lighting and they both fall to the ground as the evil glob laughs at their pain. He talks so slowly, however, that Fün and Crotch start talking back, asking to be killed sooner so that they could be spared the slow talk. Fün and Crotch have already agreed on how slow he talked in an episode called "Double Dragonborn" from season four. The electricity may be painful, but wasn't taking a toll on their lives. At one point, Crotch even finishes his sentence for him in order to speed things up. The glob giving in to their demand, offers to show them his ultimate form and then in a ray of light, he transforms. A clown-looking fellow appears wearing a red robe and hat. Hermaeus Mora confirms that he is indeed a clown. However, it wasn't the clownish appearance that surprised the dragonborns, quite the contrary as they both express disgust in his choice of clothing, but rather when the clown opened his mouth, his voice had the sound of Emre's voice. Fun and Crotch come into realization that they both share a conscience called Emre. The clown says he goes by many names, Hermaeus Mora, Herman Melville, Heimlich Himmler, H.H. Holmes, and if their letters are rearranged and bunch of their things happen you result in the name Emre (perhaps in reference to many villains names having alter egos as anagrams of their names). Fün and Crotch start questioning the reasons why and the logistics behind how an Emre can exist in their minds but, to Crotch's dismay, he was quite eager to answer their questions, putting fear in Crotch's mind that he would be tortured with another long story. In a short animation, the clown starts telling the story of how he was playing D&D in his Demiplane by himself feeling bored when he conceived of an idea to get a body of his own and conquer something real, and perhaps killing half of the inhabits enslaving the rest, getting drunk, and hiring prostitutes while he's at it. So in order accomplish that, he split his consciences into four and shoved them into random Skyrim NPCs. He controlled them all to meet in one location and kill each other. "Adding each other's hands," he was able to obtain a clown body (which he calls sexy). Unfortunately, his clown character fell off a cliff and died showing a clip from the pilot episode "DON'T ATTACK THE CHICKENS" in which a character with a clown costume also fell off a cliff and died riding his horse. After snacking on "eldrich hot pockets," Emre consulted the Power Fantasy Catalogue to come up with a whole new list of candidates, this time much powerful ones, for his new body: Crotch, Fun, and Cock. However, Emre revealed that his number one choice was. . . Mai Dik (known as General Burnside to Fün and Crotch) (at the same time revealing she's a girl). Mai Dik's adventure The animation ends and in sepia, black and white, old movie format, the episode transitions into Mai Dik who's running in the woods. With the title card "Many years earlier..." and the sound of rolling film, the journey of Mai Dik begins. Her travels start with Mai Dik complaining and feeling relieved to be journeying out of her village full of Riekling "losers." She believes she's the best looking of the Rieklings with her full beard and Emre agrees. All sexy Riekling have lots of hair, most famously, Marylin MonRiekling, who also had a thick full set of beard. She was traveling across the land of Falskaar, and she had no idea how she got there; she thinks she may have stepped into a portal. She heads to nearest village to find hairy men to mate. Mai Dik didn't appear to be much experienced outside her village. The elders in her village sheltered her but naive as she might be she was powerful. She could throw an arrow just as if it was fired from a bow. She tells Emre that she "wants to become the best of arrows in all of the land." At that point in time, Emre felt confident he had found the perfect host. But looking back, Emre warns his audience, this was not so. Reaching a village, Mai Dik uses her ability to make people dance for her as a test to find her perfect mate. She finds a guard and makes him dance but she decides proportions are not quite right for her. Having wondered into a human village, Mai Dik is astonished at how little facial hair people have. Rurik the male bard, Klara a woman helping the inn, and Varrina a child all don't fashion a beard like she does and this upsets the goblin. While trying to gather info on the hot men in town, she lands a mission to help the villagers fix a nearby hot spring (although she jokes she's going to fix bed springs instead). Gabrial at the inn, sells his horse to Mai Dik for a thousand gold but making no mention that he's a horse, Mai Dik assumes she bought a man that would be waiting for her at the stable. He does say that whatever's waiting for her at the stable is saddled up and its hooves ready to go and that certainly raises her suspicion. Heading out the inn, Varrina walks by and Mai Dik asks for directions to the stable. All Varrina had to say was about was her cooking, which Mai Dik decide might be useful to know how to cook when trying to attract men. Having heard the recipe from Varrina, she heads to Kunnari the farmer to gather the ingredients but the farmer complains that his chickens are being killed. Kunnari wants Mai Dik to investigate the chicken slaughters but Mai Dik suggest that they might not be being killed at all and they are just experiencing heart attack from greasy food. In all honesty, Mai Dik wasn't in financial position to refuse the farmer's job after buying a man (horse). "I'm sitting here watching you take a leek." She finally reaches the stables only to realize that she was sold a horse. The horse was properly labeled "Mai Dik's horse," who starts glitching out making Mai Dik think that the horse she was sold had problems. She was not in a good mood. She spent a thousand gold for a horse that she didn't even want. She was ready to kill the guy that sold her the horse but she hits her head on the way out the stable and burns herself holding the torch on the horse. Things were not going so well with her new horse. She arrives at the Jarl's quarters to tell Jarl Agnar of an arrest he should make for falsely providing her a horse. The Jarl plays up the problem and says that he'll even go to war for it. Sensing that the Jarl wasn't taking her claims seriously, she heads to the kitchen to make Varrina's stew but it ended up tasting like water drunk out of a shoe. Having promised to fix the springs, Mai Dik heads over to the hot springs, at the origin of a nearby river, "the base of the river" as Mai Dik calls it, but his conscience jokes around and tries calling it the "hoof of the river," the "anus of the river," and even the "nipple of the river." The Riekling sternly rejects Emre's attempts at humor and in no time at all she arrives at the hot springs. Trying to find the entry into a cave, Mai Dik falls off the side of the waterfall and appears to die. Emre tried warning her but he wasn't able to warn her in time. Her body flowed down the river with her horse and Emre curses, angry that he's failed yet again to secure a candidate to sacrifice. In hindsight, Emre admits that her dying there would have made things a lot easier. Mai Dik wakes up from her short slumber realizing her horse just died and all the gold value along with it. Back in Library Land where Emre tells his story to the dragonborns, Fün and Crotch discuss how evil Emre is, although one thing Crotch appreciates was Emre giving him an opportunity to kill S'oggy. "Just wait till you hear what I did to Mai Dik. It's really freaking bad." While the story was being told, another character roamed around nearby. The camera zooms out of Library Land and reveals Mai Dik panting in the foreground. The camera zooms in for a close up of her determined face and then cuts to black. TL;DR "True Lies" is the first episode of the highly anticipated Skyrim for Pimps seventh season. The episode is about Fün and Crotch getting kidnapped back to Library Land by Herman Melville. And as it turns out, Herman Melville was Emre all along in all his S1E1 glory. He split his conscience into four and put it in four random people and got a human form. Then died falling off a cliff because the "hosts" weren't strong enough. Then he put his conscience in Fün, Crotch, Cock and Mai Dik a.k.a. General Burnside, who it turns out to be a woman. The rest of the episode is about Mai Dik, the Reikling who is the best at arrows. Development * The video gives special thanks to AJ Rottini for his modding efforts. * The cartoon portion of the episode was animated by Arizona-based animator Ever Casas, known as Tithinian on YouTube. Video See also *Season 7 *General Burnside *"DON'T ATTACK THE CHICKENS" *"After Skooma Parley" Reference Category:Episodes Category:Season 7